Superwomyn

Mediocrity is never an option with me. I don't know why but I have this mentality that I have to be the best in everything I do. That I have to be able to not only do everything, but do it well at the same time. I have to say the right things. Get the best grades. Lose more weight. Make more friends. Make more money. Make my dad proud. Make people laugh. Make people happy. Make myself happy. Be social. Be beautiful. Be visible. Be invincible. The list goes on and on.

I guess I have this vision of myself in the future. A woman who is intelligent, successful, beautiful, articulate, cultured, educated, independent, and has everything under control. I see myself working in my own office and running my own household. A psychologist, a mom, a wife, a superwomyn. I don't know. I think about these things while I'm at the gym, trying to push through three miles on the treadmill. It keeps me going when I feel like my legs can't carry me any further. These grandiose visions of the future. They keep me going when the music isn't enough.

The thing is that I know I can achieve these things. It's just a matter of time, determination, and patience. Time and determination, I have. Patience, not so much. But I think that's something you learn along the way.

Of course, there have been bumps. But no one is exempted from those. There have definitely been times where I want to just fuck all of it. But then, I wipe my tears, take a nap, and wake up ready to face everything head on once again. Come to think of it, I don't know when I became so motivated. I guess it wasn't until my latter years in high school when things got difficult, and my goals became too important to let anything phase me.

Maybe this path I've laid out for myself is impossible. But for right now, it's been a positive source of motivation. And hey, you can never blame a girl for trying.

Daddy's Girl.

I just got off the phone with my dad. Usually when I call, I cry after we hang up. It's not because he makes me sad or angry or anything like that. It's sort of hard to articulate. And I guess it sort of makes me seem like a cry baby (but I have no problem with that).

During the weeks before I left for school this year, I tried my best to make things easier on him. When his wife (formerly known as my mother) decided to take a disgustingly selfish trip to the Philippines, I sacrificed the remainder of my summer break staying at home babysitting, making sure dinner (that I cooked myself) was on the table and the kids were in bed by nine. When I left, my dad had to use his vacation days watching the kids and taking care of the household until his wife came back. Though the term wife is only in title and not in behavior -- however, that's a whole other blog.

I think my dad is the greatest man in the world. He may not be the most educated or the most wealthy or any other thing that society today attributes to greatness. But he has been the greatest example of what it means to sacrifice. He works damn hard to make sure that his family is provided for. He puts us before himself always. In the 20 years that he's lived in the United States, he's only had a vacation once. That vacation was for three weeks in the Philippines after he retired from the Navy in 2002. 20 years. 1 vacation. Every time I tell him that he should take a vacation, he just brushes it off. But every time he mentions that his back hurts or that he's tired, it literally breaks my heart.

He always says, "I just want you guys to have a good life." That's why he works so hard. That's why he sacrifices so much. That's why he puts us before himself.

I'm just really grateful to have a father like him. A great deal of my drive and determination has a lot to do with showing my dad that all of his hard work is for good reason. That he didn't do it for nothing. I want to graduate from college, get my degrees, raise a family -- all to make him proud. To become half as great a parent and provider that my dad is would make my heart content.

One of the best things about my dad is that simple things make him happy. I guess he doesn't want annual vacations. He spends his days off cooking his famous calamari, with a bottle of MGD in one hand and the mic for our karaoke system in the other hand. He's a simple man. Small things like getting compliments on his cooking or watching fishing videos on YouTube or even buying clothes on sale for really cheap make him really happy.

I don't really know where I was going with this. But I guess I just wanted to talk about it because it has been on my mind since the end of the summer. And because I was crying and needed to just type it all out.

Now everyone knows why I'm so proud to be a Daddy's Girl. ♥

Four months later...

So I'm several weeks into my sophomore year of college. Funny how time works like that. You can complain that it goes too fast or too slow, but regardless of how it seems in context to you, it just keeps on going, and before you know it, you're smack dab in the middle of college. School is going well. To do well, you have to study. That's the case regardless of what college you go to. I feel like people make it seem like going to Berkeley is the most difficult challenge ever when it's actually pretty manageable. Then again, I don't know what it's like at other schools, so maybe Berkeley really is hard. I don't know. I can only speak for my experience, and to be quite honest, it's not that bad. Freshman year, I was still trying to get a feel for my academic capabilities, but I swear I could've gotten straight A's both semesters. But the A-/B+ range that I'm in is still good. Now, I'm really striving for straight A's. People say "C's get degrees," but fuck, I need to get into grad school, if you feel me. Even though I've never gotten a C in my entire academic career. &I intend to keep it that way. I'm really afraid of being stuck in the B range right now, and I really need to up my performance because B's do not fly with me anymore. Not that they ever did, but I thought I could make an exception with college. Not possible.

At any rate, the semester's flying by like crazy. It's probably because I only have class three days a week, and my 4-day weekends are always packed. Trying to juggle class, studying, my boyfriend, work, feeding myself, working out, and having a social life makes my week so hectic. But I'm sure that's the case for everyone. Except that I have an incessant need to excel at everything, so that makes everything all the more challenging. But it just makes me more motivated, so it works in a strange, twisted way.

My summer was bittersweet. I got to chill with friends and all that jazz. And I got rid of my stats pre-requisite via Grossmont. Easiest college class to date. 105% in the class? Damn, I wish classes at Cal were like that for me. My birthday was... Ugh, let's just not go there. That can be another blog. (It was that bad.) On the upside, I did get a diamond promise ring as a gift from PJ. Sometimes I just stare at it. So sparkly. Greatest gift EVER.

This summer, I also learned that I refuse to be home longer than a month. I spend a year away from home, then when I come back, I remember exactly why I was dying to leave in the first place. I don't know. San Diego doesn't feel like home to me anymore. I'm sure the major falling out with my mom has a great deal to do with it. (Also a whole 'nother blog.) But also because I'm growing up and I'm realizing that there's so much more to the world than what I've been exposed to. And because I know how to fucking take care of myself, so having rules imposed on me like I'm still a child is just plain retarded. All my visits home will only be to see my dad and my sisters. And to devour some badass Mexican food.

I have lots more to say, but this thing has gotten way too long. I also tried to widen the text field on this thing only to realize that I've forgotten all that I know about HTML. Wow, isn't that sad? Hahaha. Then again, it has been awhile since my intense blogging days in junior high.

Expect more consistent blogging! (Hopefully.)

--- EDIT ---
I figured out how to widen it. GO ME!

Difficulties.

Yesterday was Simon's birthday. Or "tirpay" as he says it. He's 4 now. I couldn't help but feel my heart break knowing that he couldn't spend it with his parents. But he doesn't understand the circumstances. He doesn't understand that his dad is incarcerated. He doesn't understand that the court won't allow his mom to get him and his sisters back. He's only 4. All he knows is that he wants a scooter for his birthday, and that's more than enough for him. He's smiling and he's happy and it breaks my heart. I wish I could have thrown him a birthday party. With balloons and Transformers and a cake with candles. But he was happy eating spaghetti and leftover banana cream pie and watching cartoons on the telelvision. He was happy. He was smiling. But he doesn't know. He doesn't understand. And it kills me. But all I can do is cry.

Silver lining.

SO. I just finished watching America's Next Top Model - Cycle 11! God, I love that show. But how did Samantha make it to the top 2? She reminds me of freaking Cindy Brady. I'm just bitter because I was rooting for Analeigh. My apologies. Anyway, I love watching that show because it inspires me to give a damn about how I look. Not in a superficial sense. But as a confidence booster. If you know you look good, then you feel good. &Confidence can make a girl look more attractive than any make-up can. Fiiiieerrceee!

Death Cab For Cutie is going to be at the Greek Theatre in July. I really want to see them but since the Greek Theatre is such an expensive venue, the tickets are super pricey. Sho shad.

BUT I do get to watch Mae tonight in San Francisco! I'm so excited. The last time I saw them was at Warped Tour...2004? That sounds about right. WOW. 5 years ago? So intense. I can't wait!

I only have finals on May 18 &19 so I've got so much time to study. But I guess I haven't gotten into study mode. I'm not feeling the fear and stress yet. I better get started early though. I can't believe the year is almost over. I'll be on my way home in exactly 2 weeks! Bittersweet. That's the only word to describe it.

Dear Amazing,
Remember this? Takes you back, doesn't it? I just wanted to tell you that everything is going to be just fine. You just have to trust.
XOXO,
Rachelle Ann

Running on empty.

Selfish. Condescending. Proud. Cruel. Spiteful. Angry. Critical. Judgemental. Impatient. Callous. Ugly.

I don't blame you.
I wouldn't want me either.

Dryer Cycle: Whites and Colors.

I have to stay up doing laundry because I won't have time in the next few days. And my normal underwear has run out, &I'm left with my Filipino So-en period panties. Not cute. At any rate, instead of studying for my MCB midterm on Tuesday, I've decided to blog. I had a damn busy week, but I lived to tell the tale.

Miraculously, I finished both 6-page papers due the past week, but at the expense of my sleep. Regardless, I was pretty pleased with the end result. Of course, I wish I had started earlier so I had more time to revise. But you play with the cards you're dealt.

Concurrently, there were worknights in Sproul to prepare for Senior Weekend. I went to the worknight on Wednesday at like, 10PM, and didn't leave until about 6AM the next day. I spent 8 hours in a room with Bianca and Vincent. Never have I spent so much time with two people in such a small space. We were getting delusional. But we ordered Nude Sushi, and that was bomb 'cause they deliver.

Senior Weekend finally rolled around. It was all just amazing. (Although the bridges programming could've used some major improvements, not gonna lie.) Weird how I was an attendee only a year ago. Oh, how the tables have turned. After experiencing firsthand just how much work is put into a single weekend, I could not believe the results could be so rewarding. Seeing the seniors get so excited about Cal and about coming here next schoolyear was amazing. Talking to them about college and PASS made me realize how fucking privileged I am to be a student here and to be a part of such an impactful organization. And hearing the students say they were going to SIR as soon as they got home was so goddamn satisfying. The Pamilya Program was an absolute success. Being a co-chair in its implementation, I'm so glad it all worked out because my committee worked really hard to make it go smoothly. We got hella good ratings on the evaluation forms. YEE. Reading the students' comments made my heart soar. I can't wait to have them come to Cal next year. &I can't even begin to express how happy I am.

Saturday afternoon, after closing, Bianca and I were already experiencing SW withdrawal. Haha. We helped Paddycakes follow up on the students to make sure they got home safely. And we had a really good sushi lunch. I knocked out in Paddy's apartment on his hella comfortable beanbag chair that isn't filled with beans but with air. Hahaha. We played some pattern game called Set and I learned about Mensa -- some organization for the top 2% of people with the highest IQs. Wtf? Then we played Mario Party. Vincent randomly went to Salinas without saying anything, so we were missing a fourth player. Stupid CPU Luigi kept pissing us off. Haha. Ended the night with a very late dinner at Thai Noodle. Eggplant with basil will never get old, I can tell you now.

I've come to realize the dichotomy between the two places I call home. I guess after living in San Diego for so long, things are starting to get old. The novelty of Berkeley is something I embrace. Not just that, but I feel that in this new chapter of my life, I can't keep juggling between the two cities. I love Cal. The people. The urban life. The endless adventures and possibilities. Maybe it's time for me to break away from San Diego. It's not going anywhere. The people stay the same. Nothing ever changes. It's stagnant. Static. Stationary. The second I step off the airplane, it's exactly as I left it. In the future, I'll probably just stay up here for the summer. No use regressing back to my former environment. It personally doesn't foster growth for me. I guess I'm realizing that it's different now. It's all just a matter of letting go.

On a less serious note, Alice and I were talking about how we never watched a birthing video during sex ed. So we decided to look one up. It was so intense. And scary. Not just that, but some babies looked really freaky. Like aliens! &One woman's baby weighed 9lbs! Wtf?! But there was one video with really nice, calming music playing in the background as the woman gave birth. It didn't seem that bad, and it was actually kind of nice. But I think it was just the music. Haha. We also saw videos of like, water births. The babies just...popped out like nothing. It looked too good to be true. I'm still not sure whether or not I want to have babies. But I am sure that mothers have my respect for being brave enough to go through that. Intense!

Redefine.

I went to my very first PCN today, and I was blown away by such an amazing show! So much talent on stage. It was intense. From the acting to the dancing, I was very impressed. AH, it was just so great, I can't even continue to elaborate. Can't wait for next year. Maybe I'll muster up the motivation to be a part of it.

In other news, SENIOR WEEKEND IS THIS WEEK! This is like, the culmination of what we've all been working so hard on, myself included. I guess I never realized how much work was behind this weekend, &it's made me appreciate being a part of it. EXCITEMENT! I can't wait!

But in addition to Senior Weekend, I also have two 6-page papers due this week. Despite setting aside time to do work, I just can't seem to bring myself to actually get started. It's retarded. I know I'm going to regret this later. This week is just jammed full of shit. Oh. Fuck.

It's crazy that there's less than 6 weeks left in the semester. And after that, my first year of college will be over. It all happened so quick. (It's the schoolwork that makes it feel like forever.) As much as I miss home, it's going to be really hard to leave this year behind. It's going to be weird not waking up with Annika &Alice. And not running into my floormates in the hall. At the end of the semester, we're all gonna go our separate ways. How sad! I'm probably going to be bawling on move-out day. But I guess it's just the end of another chapter in my life.

My Chinese dumpling, Alice, is in San Jose for the Britney concert tomorrow. Lucky girl! Annika &I have the room to ourselves. And I must say that having a double would seem pretty lonely. Or maybe it's just because we miss Alice. Who knows.

It's Easter Sunday. It's interesting talking to people who don't believe in God. Mostly because I agree with a lot of the things they say. But I guess I'm just gonna go with Agnosticism. I don't know. Religion, I feel, is just a way to answer all the unanswerable questions that we ponder. About creation. Existence. The afterlife. But I'm okay with not knowing. I really am.

I only hope that every girl is lucky enough to be with someone as kind-hearted and understanding as Peter Paul. I don't think there is anyone out there who could treat me better. He makes up for the patience I completely lack, and he understands when I'm flipping out because I'm stressed. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly, and will love me until the end of time. I'm very lucky, and I never verbalize it enough.

If I don't blog anymore, it's because this upcoming week has literally killed me.

Daisies.

I volunteered for Youth Mentorship Shadow Day for PASS this afternoon. I was a part of the scavenger hunt around the campus. A day full of 3rd-8th graders is very refreshing for a jaded college student. And it was with them that I finally went up into the Campanile. Beautiful. Breathtaking. And the elevator talks to you. Pretty damn cool. I wish I had brought my camera. &Today was actually my first time going inside a library. The only time I came close was to find an ATM in Moffitt, which was out of order so I walked out. Doe Library is super nice &hella legit. I should broaden my horizons when it comes to studying locations.

Today is also Holly's birthday. I took the 52L for the first time, and I went to Northside for the first time. Had a small salad for dinner because I had hella pizza during Shadow Day. Today was just a big day of firsts for me. Campanile. Library. Northside. Wow, what a busy day. Which would explain why I'm super tired right now. With a massive headache as the cherry on top.

John Mayer Radio on Pandora makes for soothing blogging music. But I hate how they limit the songs you can skip because I get music A.D.D. and can never finish a song. &Just a sidenote, I really don't care very much for listening to live music. A cheering crowd in the background just fucks up the song, unless I'm actually a part of that live audience. But recorded live music is no bueno. Especially when the audience starts singing along. Uh, hello, we want to listen to the artist, not obnoxious fans trying to sing. I might just be grumpy right now from exhaustion. But it's true!

PASS Staff applications came out last night. &Applying for staff is something I'm seriously considering. I'm not quite sure which position I want, but there are some that I'm leaning toward. But I'm so hesitant because I'm not sure if I'm cut out for staff. So I'm going to have a one-on-one with Paddycakes so he can help me sort it all out. In his 3rd year on staff, Patrick is like, a veteran. So I'm glad he can give me some perspective. I guess I'm most concerned about being able to manage my time and getting along with whoever else is appointed to staff next year. But if it all does work out, that would be really exciting. I love PASS -- what it stands for, the work that we do, the lives we touch -- it's all just so empowering. Damn, there ain't no place like Berkeley.

I went to Nation's last night after work with some fellow Senior Weekend committee heads. Even though this place is known for their pies, I didn't get any because I was too full. Kawawa. &Regretting it! But it's okay. That won't be my last time there, I hope. Anyway, we played the Hot Seat Game as we ate. Basically meaning everyone had to be hot-seated for 5 minutes. Any questions. Honest answers. No holds barred. All I have to say is that I learned some pretty interesting things. I also noticed how shameless I am about the things I've done. Life's too short to be ashamed. Just go with the flowww. &We're all adults. So yeah, fun game! I don't know how I'd feel playing that with the folks back home though. Maybe if they removed the sticks up their asses.

My sister texted me today. She's having drama with one of her friends, who is being immature, rude, and just a big ugly bitch. I love that she comes to me, and that she knows I'm looking out for her. This sisterly love thing is something that I value so much now that we've gotten older. Anyway, yeah. I just noticed how protective I get. I was going to call her friend and REGULATE, but my sister said she's going to be okay. But if the bitch doesn't stop, she will get a piece of my mind. Nobody fucks with my sisters. Damn straight. So I gave her the best advice I have since I know a thing or two about nasty bitches (who are basically intellectual wannabes). Haha, people are just so pathetic. &She said that the lesson during care group actually helped her. Which almost made me believe that it was God's doing. But not quite. I'll believe in the concept of a coincidence first.

Sometime in the near future, I'm going to buy a flower in a vase to put on my desk. Some small reminder that despite the stress of school, finals, worries, problems, and life in general, nature still provides a small glimpse of beauty in the midst of our hectic lives. Maybe it'll cheer me up when I want to shoot my brains out. A daisy, perhaps?

This blog was long. With a strange combination of appreciation, bitterness, love, hate, anger, and happiness threaded throughout. Which totally reflects my mood as of late.

7 days from today, I will be home.

Quod me nutrit me destruit.

It's difficult to face the things that scare you.

I've always appreciated relationships for the long run because I never found the point in month-long flings. There's something satisfying in having someone be such a big part of your life for such a long time. It's nice to be able to look back and see the highs and lows, the moments that have contributed to growth and maturity.

Or so I thought.

I don't know. There's this part of me that is so sure and so afraid that I'm going to die alone. I've learned that I'm a creature of constant contact. The phrase, "Out of sight, out of mind," holds a significant amount of truth with me. It's easy for me to fall out of love if I don't get to see that person. Be with them. Hug them. Hold their hand. I get bored too easily. And I'm afraid that it'll be something that will constantly cause me to push people away. To up and leave. In search of the next brave soul that will try to be with me. The next brave soul that will try to tolerate my behavior, my attitude, my indecision. Only to realize that they can't. I'll get bored. Move on. And start the cycle once more. I'm scared that when all is said and done, I'm going to be alone. Using material possessions to fill my emotional emptiness. That kind of woman.

I talk so much about marriage and having kids. Engagement rings and baby names. Stand mixers and golden anniversaries. But maybe when it comes down to it, those things may never happen for me.

Nobody in their right mind wouldcouldshould put up with me. Moody. Proud. Bratty. Selfish. Stubborn. Angry. Impatient. Sensitive. Judgemental. Condescending. The list goes on.

I'm really sorry.

Tough crowd.

I don't know why my mood shifts so suddenly. Peter can make me feel like I'm on top of the world. Yet within the next minute, it's as if nothing he can say or do can ever make me happy. I know it must be frustrating for him, but I don't know why it happens. And an unintentional but negative tone from him can leave me in tears. An 18-year-old college student on the outside, and a 50-year-old menopausal wreck on the inside. Cue the hot flashes.

Speaking of hot... Bikram Yoga is the most challenging thing I've ever done in my life. I've never pushed myself as hard as I have in those 90-minute sessions. If you're up for something new and something that could potentially kick your ass, I suggest you give it a shot.

I've been getting headaches for the past two nights. It's kind of freaking me out because what if I have some sort of brain tumor and I just don't know. Terrifying, right? Seemingly innocent headaches could prevent me from waking up the next morning. How bleak. Maybe I'm just tired. Looking back on my week, I didn't give myself much time to relax. Granted, time spent in front of a computer can count as relaxation, but maybe that's the source of my fatigue. I'm just trying really hard to be on top of my game. But I'm afraid it'll start taking it's toll on my health.

Why are Women's One A Day multivitamins so damn enormous? I feel like I'm swallowing a submarine everytime I remember to take one.

Okay. I'm going to bed now without talking to my boyfriend because he decided to sign up for a morning class on Saturdays. I'm mad because he's not staying up to talk to me since he has to get up early. I'm selfish and the world revolves around me. Basically. (I really suck.)

Spring '09

The new semester has just begun. I'm well aware of the mistakes I made last semester so hopefully I'll do better this time around. Especially with buying books! &Getting the classes I want is harder than I expected but I hope everything will work out.

The trip back to Berkeley was a difficult one. After leaving home multiple times, I thought it would get easier. But walking away from Peter toward my gate at the airport always leaves me in tears. It's hard, and I know it's always going to be hard. It's just a painful fact to accept.

I really miss him. And I tried my best to get him good presents on his birthday. And I tried not to give him a hard time. And I wish he was here. And it's hard not having him around. And I'm going to marry him. And we're going to have a beautiful life together. And as hard as it is right now, I'm going to stick around for as long as it takes. And we are going to have cute ass babies. And I love him very, very much. Forever and ever until the end of time.

It's not easy but it's very worth it. Right, babe?

But anyway. Enough about that. As lonely as I felt leaving home, seeing everyone at Cal made me feel better. I guess I just gotta get back into the swing of things. Secret Santa with the roomies was a success. Except we all figured out who had who so it wasn't a secret at all. But who cares. The weather here is absolutely perfect. Cool and cloudy beats hot and sunny any day.

My classes start at either 9:30am or 10am, which is totally different from my later classes last semester. But it kinda feels good to be up early. I should be out of class by 2 on most days, if my schedule works out. &I successfully managed to get have no class on Fridays. Amazing!

I don't blog very often. But I'm pretty sure that Peter is the only one who's going to read this. My #1 fan. ILY!

Okay. Until next time, Blogger.