Drained

Today, I read for so long that the words on the page began to blur. And it freaked me out.

It's been awhile since I've made an entry. My first semester in college is coming to a close. I've got three finals this week, and I feel absolutely unprepared. How anyone is expected to deal with this shit for four years is beyond me. I'm probably making it harder than it really should be. Next semester will be better. I know it.

It's been a long time since I have felt this empty. Why can't I make up my mind?

Hello.

It's funny how I hold back on buying $40 shoes for myself, yet have no remorse for spending nearly five times as much on Peter. But I will eventually buy those moccasins.

I've been keeping up with Heroes, and I'm still holding on to the faint glimmer of hope that season 3 will somehow save itself. As Thoreau said, "Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!" Heroes is getting too complicated. Too many characters and subplots. But alls I have to say is, it's about time Peter Petrelli got a haircut.

Tomorrow is the election and my very first time voting. I always wondered to myself whether I'd still be so liberal had I not gone to Berkeley. And in retrospect, my views aren't influenced by Cal at all. It just so happens that most people here happen to agree with me. Back at home, I feel as though some folks have become so blinded by their religion. Picking and choosing from the Bible what applies and what doesn't. Either that, or are just so painfully close-minded. Outside of sexual orientation, it would completely kill my spirit to know that I couldn't marry someone that I loved. And that's what it comes down to. Whether it be between two men, two women, or a man and a woman, the couple loves each other enough to commit to marriage. AND. I absolutely despise the fact that just because a person is pro-choice, some people refer to them as "baby-killers." WTF! Yes, because we all just adore abortion and believe that all pregnant women should have them. Humanity is ridiculous.

Vote for what you believe in. Review both sides of the propositions, and vote accordingly. &Well. Y'know. BARACK THE VOTE. ;]

Regression

Nothing sucks more than knowing that a year ago you used to be thinner but you've gained it all back.

Life sucks. People suck. And now I realize that all I can do is rely on myself.

I'm gonna handle my shit, and I'll be damned it anyone tries to stop me.

--

Your parents are always right. In retrospect, had I listened to what they said, I'd probably be better off.

Within the past year, I feel as though I've lost my drive. My focus. My determination. Everything that has propelled me to where I want to be. And now that I'm here, I've given away so much of myself that I can never get back. Ever.

As sunny as it appears outside my window, Monday morning feels as bleak as ever. What a way to start off my week -- crying before my bowl of cereal.

Discipline

Watching what comes out of my mouth (words) + watching what goes in my mouth (food) = a better version of me.

It's the least I could do for the sake of my sanity.

I loathe myself.

Diversity City

Oh, college.

It's been about two weeks since the beginning of instruction, and I still can't bring myself to get back into study-mode. I'm totally behind in my reading. I have yet to buy one of my textbooks. And the one textbook I did buy is still lying comfortably by my desk in its protective clingwrap. I'm off to a great start. Good thing I was honest with myself, and took classes that interested me. So I'm free from the bondage of math, english, and history. Otherwise, I would've been fucked. In the ass. Without lube. As Holly says.

I think I'm going to stick to being an intended psychology major. There was a meeting today for intended psych majors but the building was really far, and I was not trying to get raped on the way back. Not that that happens all the time or anything. But walking around alone in the dark, regardless of where you are, is dangerous. Anyway. I'm trying to figure out my schedule for next semester because we're going to pick classes in October for the spring. And there are only 6 prerequisite classes that I need to take over the course of 3 semesters. I'm on my way to my six figures. Hahaha.

There are a lot of people back home that I really miss. People whose personalities are unique to themselves and will never be replicated. Like Earl. I can search the world far and wide and never find a person like him. Which is funny because he's exactly like me. &Junemy. I've lived two streets away from her for 7 years, and being 500 miles apart is really strange. I'm talking to her on AIM right now, and she's making me crack up without even the sound of her voice! And godsister Rochelle is having her debut this Saturday, and I'm a candle. I don't have time to make her a video, so I'm probably just gonna write her a letter. I wish I could be there though.

I miss home. But on the other side, I've met a lot of people here who I've come to know and love. Like my roommates. And Holly. And recently, the boys in the triple down the hall. They're really chill and will probably end up becoming like brothers to me. And the greatest part of it is that everyone that I've met, especially on my floor, have totally different backgrounds. Not your typical Filipino family like I've known for so long and have gotten used to. Like this guy named Do who's full Korean, but he was born and raised in Mexico so he speaks perfect Spanish. It's crazy.

Anyway. That's my update. I love college. Hooray for higher education.

Gay Frat Parties & Gummy Bears

So last night, Holly took me to a gay frat party a few blocks away from our dorm. Random, right? Anyone, it was my first night partying considering the last time I hit up frat row was a total disappointment. The house was small, and there were so many people in there. It was really hot. I spent the time dancing with Holly, having sweat drip out of every freaking pore. It was gross, but pretty fun.

But the highlight of my evening was when Holly and I left. We stopped by Bear Market, &she bought a few snacks. We sat on the balcony in our study lounge with an intensely amazing view and just talked. Annika sat with us too, and we talked until like 2AM. Moments like that are the ones I love most. You're not really doing much, but you feel really happy. Or at least I did. Life is good. And I think we forget how good it is because we get caught up in all of the bullshit we cause for ourselves. So whenever I see a beautiful view or am surrounded by genuinely good people, I'm reminded of how lucky I am. Cheesy, I know, but I'm actually quite serious.

Anyway, I only have one class from 3-4 today, and my very first homework assignment is due at 5:15. Practically everyone on my floor has been freaking out about all their classes, and I'm usually just chillin' in my room, not doing anything important. But it's only for the first semester so I can get the hang of things. Then I'll buckle down, and take more units with harder classes. I read online that the demand for Psychologists is increasing, so maybe I'll do that for sure. And my Psych 1 class is really interesting. But I don't know. It's too early to tell.

I'm gonna go to the financial aid office soon because they're pissing me the fuck off &not giving me any of my money. So I need to go regulate.

My blog is no kind of interesting.

Oh yes.

Hello, world. So I've had this blogger since February, but I've only now started making entries. Anway. Whatev.

I've been at Cal for exactly a week, and it's been great. I love it here, and I'm so glad that I've chosen Berkeley as my home for the next four years. College is definitely going to be epic.

Everyone here, despite how dumb or lame they act, is really smart. It's cool. It's not like high school where people go to school because it'd be illegal not to. But that's a whole 'nother blog.

My roommates are the greatest. Alice is cool. We do a lot of things the same. We both brought so much stuff to move-in day. But she's way messier than I am. But she knows it. Annika is hilarious. I love her because she laughs at everything I say. And she swears like PJ and I are married. It's funny. She claims she will be "the force that breaks up your marriage." And she acts like the mom in the room. Always telling us to clean up, even though her side of the room is just as messy. Oh, Annika. We're always in the room together at night while Alice is out. That's when we have all our laughs. Tonight she kidnapped my stuffed tiger named Douglas. Annika, you heifer.

There's a girl named Holly who lives on our floor. She's amazing. And a genius! She scored a 2360 on the SAT, and she turned down Harvard for Cal. Wth, right? But she's totally cool. I always have fun when I'm with her. Yesterday, we tried to go out and party on frat row, but everything was insanely lame. So we ended up going back to the dorm, laughing our asses up 7 flights of stairs because our good-for-nothing elevator was broken. It was some night.

I'm going to spend as much time as I physically can at the RSF tomorrow. The RSF is the Recreational Sports Facility at Berkeley, which is esentially the gym. It's really close to my dorm so I could walk there in less than five minutes. In an honest attempt to lose 30 pounds, I'm going to be there as often as I can. Hell. Yeah.

Anyway, there's this total creepster on the 2nd floor who swears like he has game. We call him Stranger Danger. It's hilarious. It's fun witnessing Annika's blatant dislike for him.

I'll continue reporting on the antics of Unit 3 Norton Hall as they happen. This year should be interesting.